How do I keep going in this hopeless world?
I have a really difficult time trying to parse my thoughts and making them digestible for anyone who is not me, but i will try and do it anyway. CW for mental health issues mentions.
I am in a situation of pretty significant deprivation. I am multiply disabled, and while each one of my disabilities/illnesses in itself is technically speaking not that much of a big deal, combined they make my life barely woth living (from my subjective perspective). The world has decided to leave disabled people behind, by their decisions to stop masking and to pretend that COVID is over, when it's not. I am isolated not only physically, but mentally as well- staying at home and avoiding the virus feels more lonely than ever. It is hard to know that in my experience, the majority of people have no willingness or capacity to show any empathy towards me and people like me.
I struggle hard to make my life seem like it is worth living to me. I don't have a job, and as a disabled autistic just over 30yo with almost no job experience, I am also unemployable. I have been depressed for most of my life, which has hindered my learning of so called "adult" coping skills that are required to be an autonomous person in a modern liberal-democratic society. My acquiring of various illnesses has made it basically impossible to try and gain and develop new or old skills that are relevant to my interests and "talents".
Most people are motivated to do things by hoping for success. It is not something that I can realistically achieve though with my very real physical and mental limitations. How do I keep going then? I don't want to just lie down and wait for death. It's boring, and I'm done doing that. I don't want to just give up. I have tried so hard to make myself want to live, I am not willing to throw all of it away just because the circumstances are against me.
I think there is a certain beauty in struggling and failing, but living and trying anyway. As cheesy as it sounds, I admire how many of shounen anime protagonists keep fighting against all odds. I am not even really interested if they win in the end- the act of the struggle is the most relatable and interesting thing to me. Even though those anime often have toxic mindsets- like breaking your own limits to compete with others, breaking your own body, not respecting your own boundaries, I still find some inspiration in those media.
Another thing that I feel gives me some meaning and strenght to keep going are tRPGs. The most cathartic experience I have ever had in RPGs was in a Vampire the Masquerade oneshot, in which my character was set up to fail. They were outnumbered and alone, mocked and ridiculed by their opponents. And yet they fought anyway, struggling to protect the things that were important to them. They were defeated, but it was extremely satisfying to me - they never yielded, and were defiant against their fate.
So to try and answer my own question: How do I keep going in this hopeless world?
By a mixture of spite, defiance and seeking out experiences that resonate with me. There might be no hope for me, or for anyone else, but what else am i supposed to do?