"Twisted"
a subtoot on the entire world, and on some types of people more than others. It is all mixed up. Stream of consciousness thing
(Written by dr Poi Sonai, a totally real member of the AI poisoning board)
If you leave a tree in a dark, small box it will have to twist if it wants to grow
“You have to move on with your life”
people move on for the sake of their own growth without looking back on who they've left behind, whether they deserved to be abandoned or not to keep grief out of their lives to keep information that conflicts with their self image out of their minds. Focusing on “the positive” without wanting to acknowledge everything else that falls out of scope for their intentionally narrowed mindsets And it is the “healthy” thing to do. It is how well adjusted minds function. And the healthy is better than unhealthy of course, and it is full of a sense of superiority.
“You can just choose your mindset.”
I will never be healthy. And it is not by choice, on the contrary, it was through other people’s choices that I was robbed of my autonomy. Of my ability to move freely. Of an even small illusion of control over my body and future. (no one actually has true control over the things that happen to them)
“needlessly restricting your life”
What does that even mean? There is no sure-fire way to judge what is or is not needed, what is or is not worth it.
“restricting your life”
no life is without restriction, maybe unless you are a far right billionaire, not caring about burning the world. But even those lives are restricted- by their ends.
“life” but too much of restriction and it stops being worth living.
“restricting”
but without the restriction, there is a big risk of getting the ultimate restriction of death, or worse: ME/CFS. And even with that restriction, it can happen anyway, this is what happened to me. I lost totally, on all fronts. I did not get the benefit of the healthy normal healthy human pleasures such as communing with others in groups, and I lost by losing my health.
“risk is not a 0-1 binary”
Wrong. When you lose, you lose. It’s over. There is nothing in between. At least for some. You never know if you are going to be the one to lose or not before it actually happens. And even if you lose just a little bit...it is still a loss. And someone will have to pay the cost for it either you, or those around you. All preventable suffering. I am contradicting myself, saying it is binary, then introducing fuzziness… the point here is, if you take risky actions, you have to rely on luck, like a gambler betting your own life and health.
“risk management”
How would you even calculate that risk? It is all vibes. Humans are notoriously bad at statistics. It is all intuition, which CAN be a good source of knowledge, but let’s not pretend that it is rational in any way.
“management”
it is not fair. Some people seem to get by well. As if the danger truly WAS over. They don’t have to endure being forgotten, isolated and ill. They are out there, in the light. Living their lives like normal. They are the visible majority. And then on the other hand, some people get still hit by the danger and never come back the same. No justice. Only endless dissonance. Who is right?
“it’s endemic”
It appears that there are only two choices: get stuck and left behind, or participate in hurting others. Both choices include hurting yourself. This is a simplification of course, but it all boils down to it. Hurt, or be hurt.
“people are good deep down”
read the above. no. they are not. Human tendecies to have pro-social behavior to others in their own group is not the same as being “good”. And even if they were “good”, it does not matter. It does not absolve anyone from responsibility for the hurt they cause. (in)action matters more than words, thoughts and prayers.
“getting stuck in that mindset is not how you will get anything done”
I would never have accomplished anything anyway, I have ADHD.
“you are not your limitations, stop using it as an excuse to not improve”
I AM though. Stop erasing my struggles against myself and others and the physical and the metaphysical
“most people actually are worried about [x bad thing about the world]. majority cares.”
And? The majority of those with enough privilege to do something do not lift even a finger to do anything, because that would “needlessly restrict their lives”. They come up with endless rationalizations about why it would not matter if they would do x thing. Or why it is not actually that bad if it is THEM that do it. That someone, or something else is the problem, not them. And since there is “no ethical consumption under capitalism”, it means it is ok to consume anything and everything and everyone and everything and be consumed as well. accepting the things that should not be accepted, refusing to accept inconvenient facts.
“most people are good at heart” Yeah, most people will act nice, friendly, and helpful. Then the same people will abandon you in a heartbeat on a whim. You can trust them, until you can’t.
“you are a doomer”
You lack empathy. Which would not be a problem in itself, I can relate, if you did not accuse people of narcissistic abuse willy-nilly. There are multiple layers of irony and hypocrisy here.
“I hope you can heal.”
You say, and then you proceed to go do the things that caused the wound in the first place. Because you have to move on. So you can feel good about yourself, no matter what.
“I hope you can heal.”
I hope you can fuck off with your self serving words of fake concern.
“we cannot live in fear”
I was not afraid enough. I thought I was afraid, and I thought I was cautious. It was not enough. I thought I was prepared, mentally. I was wrong Would anything have protected me? Would all of this happen no matter what I did? Did nothing I did matter?
“you are a doomer” and yet I have not killed myself yet, check mate. I did seriously think about it though.
“to live is to accept risk”
You ARE right. But that just makes me want to kill myself more.
“you are a misanthrope. That’s reactionary.”
refusing to accept the despair and suffering of a disabled person as valid is fucking ableist. Is that not reactionary?
“it’s problematic”
I am not a “good” anarchist. I was never a good anarchist. I am selfish. You? You lack self awareness. In your persona of selflessness, you fail to see how self centered it is.
“we stopped being human when we...[x]”
Speak for yourself.
“no one is less human for…[y]”
SPEAK FOR YOURSELF
Go ahead, ride your high horse, look down on me and say “how sick. How toxic. Such bad vibes.” you are not better than me. More than that: you thinking that is proof of your own toxicity.
“how pitiful. So sad. Such a broken crip.”
Can’t say anything to that.
“we cannot live in fear”
But you are afraid of me. And you are afraid of fear, a normal human emotion.
“no hard feelings”
I am not a saint. Stop expecting me to be.
“most people actually are worried about [x bad thing about the world]. majority cares.”
Who are you trying to convince? You proselytize, but sound like you don’t believe in your own words.
“most people are good at heart”
Yeah? Look at the “lesbian bar discourse” that went viral. Even the most empathetic comments from relatively progressive sources about that remarkably small incident... miss the mark.
“transition from pandemic to endemic”
people move on for the sake of their own growth without looking back on who they've left behind, whether they deserved to be abandoned or not
“bitter, brain damaged, bed-rotting, covid extremist”
Go ahead and judge me for things outside of my control. I am judging you right back.
“we must reject [x way of thinking] to achieve change”
We must stop rejecting people experiencing normal emotions. We must stop rejecting people based on thinking what you deem the “wrong way”, who do the right things anyway. Thought crimes are not crimes. It’s fine to hate people. It’s fine to not have a pure heart.
“it’s problematic”
I have been censoring myself for so long for fear of being called regressive. I have become so repressed, it was killing me. I was feeling so much shame. So many works of art that never happened, and might never happen, because I was afraid of other people’s reactions. Afraid as if doing art about negative things was a crime. (unfortunately, sometimes it is)
“we must not live in fear”
That’s right. I will go and make that dark, sick, deranged art that you think should not exist. I will, eventually, gradually, set my mind free, even if my body is confined. I swear I will. I want to. I NEED to. That is the healing that I actually need, it is the only wound that won’t reopen if I close it.
If you leave a tree in a dark, small box it will have to twist if it wants to grow. I become more and more insane and that is a good thing. Being healthy in these circumstances would be a bad thing. It would not give me what I need to survive. And if you are as positive as you think you are, you should treat my survival as a good thing. I am grasping at straws. Practicing whatever I can to alleviate my suffering, even if it means being mentally “unhealthy”. Losing touch with reality. Splintering into a couple of selves, locking some of them up, the way I am locked up physically. Developmentally stuck in the age the trauma started, I will now never properly grow up, and that is a good thing. I don’t have the space. I can grow sideways. I can’t break through the box through sheer willpower, I have none, and the box is impossible to break.
“you need to have hope”
What I I need is to protect myself from even more trauma. Exactly the same way you are doing it, but when you do it, you think it is noble, when I do, you think it is pathetic and wrong. You should be learning from me, instead, you choose to blame me. You should not hold me to the standards of a normal, healthy person, especially when you yourself don’t meet said standards. You should not expect me to be strong, when I am weak. Everyone is.
“we all have more in common than not”
and yet you abandon others over a minor misunderstanding.
“we all have more in common than not”
that is true. Most people don’t see it. Including you.